In this talk and community discussion we will continue our exploration of how to skillfully use the beauty and challenges of polyamory as a means to grow spiritually, and we’ll seek to do so from both Buddhist and Daoist perspectives. This talk is the sixth of a seven-part discussion series in which we’ll be exploring polyamory as a vehicle for inner development and cultivation. This sixth session will build on the first five sessions’ explorations of mindfulness, precepts, cultivation, essential nature, basic goodness, possibility, karma, multiplicity, cultivating devotion, wonder, emotional states, and their application to polyamory. That said, as with all other conversations in this series, this sixth session will also stand alone. In this sixth session we will focus on understanding who we really are so that we can communicate genuine expectations, needs, and desires and be centered when approaching ouches and mistakes.

Fundamentally, a meaningful understanding of who we are requires a solid understanding of who and what we are not. We are not the narrative running in our minds; we are not our thoughts. We are not our expectations and we are not the myriad ways in which we impose on the world through our mind’s conventionally trained desires.

We are, however, living, soft, vulnerable animals trying to survive in a challenging and sometimes terrifying and cruel world. Ours is a world of change. One in which people die. Relationships run their course. New life is born. New possibilities emerge. And happenstance can take and give at a moment’s notice.

In other words, we are caught in a net that only a compassionate mindset can cut. Such a compassionate mindset sees the inherent tragedy of life and wants to hug those in need and uplift the moments of joy we get.

With the cutting of this net of desires and expectations and attempts to control matters other than ourselves, we can listen to our soft and vulnerable bodies. Through listening to our bodies we can learn our needs and desires.

Through genuine understanding of ourselves, we can operate from our center and we can approach situations kindly, with compassion for everyone, including ourselves. In that way, we can be truly present with other people in their challenges, even when we are the source of those challenges.

“After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t ever be controlled: other people’s perception. The mind rests, and life becomes kinder, and then totally kind, even in the midst of apparent turmoil. When you’re aware of being a student, everyone in the world becomes your teacher. This is part of leadership too: knowing how to follow reality, not forever trying to control the world with your ideas about what it should look like. In the absence of defensiveness, gratitude is all that’s left.”

—Byron Katie

Once we can hear and understand ourselves and be in a deferential, learning place, then we can begin to listen to others and the world.

“Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it Compassionate Listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help [them] empty [their] heart.

Even if [they] say things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less.

If you want to help [them] to correct [their] perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don't interrupt. You don't argue. If you do, [they] lose [their] chance. You just listen with compassion and help [them] to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”

—Thich Nhat Hanh

With all of this in mind, we are free to experiment with a world of change, we are free to generate new and better constructive possibilities out of conflicts, and we are free to celebrate our failures together so that we can grow and cultivate together.

By coming together as a curious, open, trusting, and vulnerable community, we can each benefit from the wisdom, perspectives, and practices others have considered or employed in navigating the many ways we can show up for ourselves and others with attuned presence, continually deepening care, and an increased sense of relational ease and freedom.

TOPICS FOR EXPLORATION

1. Role of Expectations in Samsara
2. Clinging vs. Needs
3. Conventional Desires
4. Desires for change that have nothing to do with our partners
5. Vulnerable Desires for Real Connection
6. Ouches
7. Generative Conflict
8. Experimenting
9. Reframing
10. Celebrating Failure, Imperfection, and Processes
11. Rupture & Repair
12. Self-Secure Attachment
13. Refuge in Awareness
14. Balancing Integrity with Openness
15. Presence, Expectations, Availability
16. Curious vs. Coercion
17. Non-Conditioned Autonomy
18. Fierce Tenderness
19. Adaptation & Flow
20. Caring & Not Caring
21. Compassion & Control
22. Body-Based Knowing
23. Taking Our Seat
24. Safety w/o Defending
25. Embracing Change
26. Embracing the Unknown w/ Curiosity

DISCUSSION CO-HOSTS:

Jonathan and Rafael Langer-Osuna, a Daoist priest with the lineage name 宗妙. Their profile can be found here: https://plra.io/m/rafaellangerosuna28

Join us for this exciting community exploration!

ONLINE EVENT: Cost $20

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MINDFUL ENM

“Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy in the Service of Mindful Personal Growth and Social Change“

A space for ENM and sex-positive folks interested in mindful approaches to connect with each other.

Join MINDFUL ENM, a worldwide community of people practicing mindful ethical non-monogamy:

https://mindful-enm.mn.co

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EVENT GUIDELINES & PRACTICES

RESPECT

Practicing respectful behavior towards all hosts and guests is a foundational requirement. Anyone who violates this or our other guidelines may be asked to leave an event.

TECHNOLOGY & RECORDING

No photography, video, or recording of any kind is allowed without prior verbal consent of all parties involved.

VERBAL CONSENT

Please be sure to verbally ask and wait for a verbal response prior to physical contact of any kind. We encourage all attendees to openly and consistently speak with each other about their consent practices and personal boundaries. When we practice verbal consent as a community we foster a safer culture in which personal boundaries are supported and all attendees are empowered to share their limits with confidence.

EXPECTATIONS

Our events center developing community and connections. Be sure to check any other expectations you may have at the door. Being at this event does not signal sexual availability or indicate any aspect of one’s sexual orientation or practices. Our events are “no cruising” events, as this allows us to create and maintain a comfortable atmosphere for all of our guests.

WHAT IS “NO CRUISING”?

”No cruising" is a reminder for all of us to check-in with ourselves about our intentions. If your primary intention is to collect phone numbers or line up dates, our events may not be right for you. First and foremost we are a community supporting each other, and thus if your intention is to socialize and connect with others practicing relationships within a poly/ENM dynamic, then we think you’ll find our events a lovely place to meet others doing similarly! If a natural and unpressured connection forms and leads to a date, that is fine and is similar to meeting someone at any non-dating themed event.

Our events and community are Poly/ENM themed, but do not have a primary emphasis on dating. Our intention is for our events to not feel like a pick-up scene, but rather to have a foundation of being social and focused upon building friendly relationships with others. We want everyone in attendance to feel at ease… together we can keep the feel of our events friendly, inclusive, and respectful.